As a parent of elementary age children, the topic of sexuality feels like the messy basement that is out of control. It’s always there, always on my mind as something I must address, but the weight of it leads me to just shut the door and put it off for a later time when I feel I’m better prepared to tackle it. Of course, every time I put it off my kids are getting older and they are learning about sexuality…just not from me.

There are plenty of questions that I don’t have the answer to as a young parent. But as I minister in the world of teens and read wise men and women who have thought deeply about the topic, there are a few truths I have gleaned that I want to guide me as I try to be faithful to teach my kids a biblical sexual ethic.

Approach our culture with a healthy dose of realism

First, my kids are not aware that a sexual or gender revolution has taken place. For many adults, our culture has undergone dramatic changes in sexual ethics and practices. Whether it be issues of same sex attraction, transgenderism, or recreational sex, our culture is not at the same place it was a couple of decades ago. For many Christian parents, it seems crazy that our culture is where it is.

But it’s not crazy to my kids. It’s just the way things are. They didn’t experience a revolution. They haven’t seen ethical standards thrown away or mainstays of Western Civilization cast off. They are just learning about the world from the people around them and from the way things are right now. So I can’t assume that total sexual freedom or a few dozen gender options will seem obviously abnormal or off the rails. The current culture will seem normal to our children, and our culture is offering plenty of pleasure and affirmation for taking its point of view.

As a result, I can’t use words or tones that imply disgust or disbelief that our culture is where it is. I can’t describe or discuss it in straw man or exaggerated terms; I must be accurate so that we are adequately addressing what our children are seeing and hearing. And I have to be intentional, thorough, and deeply biblical as we talk about sexuality with my kids.

Uncover why God-ordained sexuality is good

Second, because a secular sexual ethic is not obviously wrong, I need to explain why a biblical sexual ethic is right. It is not enough to tell my kids how they should live or what the Bible says about sexuality. I need to know and to explain why the Bible says what it says. My child will not need a set of rules to follow; he will need a biblical vision for sexuality in all the power and beauty that God has given it.

My child will need to know that God created sexuality as a picture of the intimacy of His love as Father, Son, and Spirit and of Christ’s love for His people. My child will need to know that God created sexuality for marriage because that kind of intimacy is only safe and can only flourish when it is protected by commitment and promises. My child will need to know that God created these boundaries around sexuality for my good and for my flourishing. My child will need to know that God created these boundaries around sexuality because there are devastating physical, emotional, social, and spiritual consequences for pursuing sexual pleasure outside these boundaries.

Discern among the wicked, the wise, and the foolish

Third, because sexual pleasure is held out by our culture as so good, I need to help my children understand the stark difference between a biblical perspective and cultural perspective on sexuality. Perhaps the best way to do so is to bathe them in Proverbs wisdom. In Proverbs 5, Solomon acknowledges that “the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil”. There is no need to deny the attraction of sexual pleasure. But Solomon goes on to warn, “but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol.” Sexual sin looks desirable, but it is rebellion against God and against His creation, and pursuing it leads to bitter consequences.

Perhaps it would be particularly helpful for my kids to understand that there are three types of people in Proverbs. There are the wise, the wicked, and the fool. Many young people assume that there are just two categories of people – the wise and the wicked. The wicked man plots evil, he is intentional in seeking wickedness, and his end is death. Usually my kids don’t feel wicked; they don’t feel like they are intentionally seeking evil. So they assume they are on safe ground.

But the fool doesn’t plot anything. The fool just does what looks good in front of him. The fool sees something that sounds good, feels good, or feels natural, and does it. The fool is simple, the fool doesn’t consider his ways, and the fool is easily led to sin because it looks good or seems like too much work to resist temptation. But the fool ends up in death too. My children need to know the consequences of foolishness and learn to love wisdom and the life it offers.

In a culture that encourages people to follow their hearts and be authentic, and warns that denying natural desires only leads to stress and unhappiness, my kids need a regular, steady dose of Proverbs wisdom. Trust God, His word, and His laws. See the long term consequences. It’s not just a rule you need, my son, it’s the wisdom to perceive what your pursuit of this pleasure means and what it will lead to in the long run.

Train their desires, not just their knowledge

Fourth, I need to focus on training my child’s desires, not just my children’s knowledge. I was reading a book on sexuality this week that noted this: sexual temptation arises when we see images or think thoughts and believe they are good and desirable. The best way to kill sexual temptation is not to try to stop seeing alluring images (which we can’t do) or stop our thoughts from ever going somewhere they shouldn’t (which we can’t do)…but to train our desires to love righteousness and to hate sin. If our desires are informed by God’s word, then we will hate allurements to sexual sin and we will long for the beauty of sexual faithfulness.

How do I train my child’s desires? Well, I don’t know for sure. I haven’t successfully or unsuccessfully accomplished it yet. But I suspect it has to do with talking a lot about the beauty and glory of God and His ways. I suspect it has to do with talking a lot about the goodness of God’s creation and the reason He created things the way He did. I suspect it has to do with talking a lot about truth and how we know what is true and what is not. And I suspect it has to do with talking a lot about the grievous effects of sin as it wrecks the truth, beauty, and goodness of God’s creation and God’s pattern for our lives.

Understand the uniqueness of each person's struggles & situations

And finally, there is no formula for sexual purity. There are no seven steps to making sure your child will remain pure sexually. There are no programs that guarantee faithfulness. There are certainly things that are wise to do, and there are certainly key issues that you and I will both need to address. But our children are different: their temptations will be different, their sins will be different, their questions will be different, and their disagreements will be different. We are, after all, dealing with human hearts, which are tempted in so many different ways.

And if we are dealing with sinful human hearts, we are dealing with something that I don’t have the power to change or control over as a parent. Only the Spirit of God can change hearts of stony rebellion into the soft hearts of children of God.

So what I need is not a formula or someone to tell me how to do it. I need to reflect my Heavenly Father with faithfulness, patience, grace and mercy, discipline, truth. I need the help of other godly men and women in my kids’ lives and wisdom to respond, discuss, and address whatever questions, issues, and temptations come up in each of my children’s lives. And most importantly, I will need lots of prayer as I wait for God’s Spirit to make my child His child.

Fortunately for all of us as parents, God’s Spirit is always effective. Our God knows my children better than I do, loves my children more than I could, is perfectly wise in knowing how to handle my children, and will work His will in their hearts despite my flailing attempts. That gives me a bit more confidence to open the door and try to tackle the mess as faithfully as I can.

Want more guidance on godly sexuality in our children? Join us for our free webinar January 18 at 10:00 am to hear more from Chris and others with insight on this crucial topic of encouraging a biblical view of sexuality.