Failure.

If you are anything like me, a recovering perfectionist, that word makes you cringe. It can be felt in the pit of your stomach as you look back on all of the times you didn’t measure up.

What may be even worse is watching your kids fall and fail. It’s hard to watch not only because we know the gut-wrenching feeling of failure, but if we’re honest, it can feel that their failures reflect upon us as parents. It’s so much ‘easier’ to try to orchestrate their lives to avoid failure as much as possible, but in the end we stunt their growth and strain our relationship with them.

You see, if you honestly evaluate the times that you fell short (or didn’t even come close), beyond the initial gut reaction those are the times of extreme growth, learning, and character development. Sure, they may have resulted in some of the hardest times in your life, but always on the other side you can see God’s grace and redemption. He promises to ‘work all things for the good of those who love Him.’ (Romans 8:28) Unfortunately (or, perhaps fortunately), our definition of good often looks different than His, but hindsight allows us to see that in His sovereignty, even our failures can be used for good.

God promises us that, ^"we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5:3-5)."

He does not promise that while we suffer we will have hope in the moment, but rather that hope comes out of suffering.  We can count on its eventual arrival, because the Word of God says it's so. In the hard space that is waiting, perseverance and character are developed, and we can hold fast because we know hope is coming. And isn't that worth the wait, and even the pain, of suffering through mistakes knowing that God can redeem?

The goal of parenting should not be to raise kids who can chameleon themselves through any situation, jump through all hoops, and present as perfectly as possible. Training them to ‘fit in’ just creates exhausted and frustrated kids - and eventually adults. We need to push our children to take off self-preserving armor, to discover who they are and what they are good at, and to rise strong after falling. After all, failure is inevitable. Getting our proverbial butts kicked in this world is going to happen, especially when we step into the arenas for which we are destined.

So how do we allow our kids to make decisions that we know have the potential of not going well?

Pray

Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17) for our kids, their relationships, and our hearts as we parent them in the fallen world in which we live.

Empathize

Exhibit empathy or mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). As defined by Brene Brown empathy is, "...simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone.'" Through practicing empathy, we can help our children learn (and learn for ourselves) the benefit of being able express feelings - and there are more feelings than happy, sad, and mad - and holding space for others as they express theirs.

Encourage

Encourage one another in Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We all make mistakes. However, through these experiences we get to be cheerleaders for one another. We get to learn how to root for our kids as they walk through consequences and hurt feelings, ultimately helping them get back up and continue to try new (and sometimes scary) things. Usually on the other side of hard and scary choices is something wonderful.

Forgive

Practice forgiveness (Colossians 3:13). Not only is it important for us to learn how to forgive one another, it is crucial to learn how to grant ourselves forgiveness for the times that we don't meet the expectations others and we have put on ourselves. A great way to help your kids to not be so hard on themselves is to intentionally laugh at your own mistakes. Seriously - we need to stop being so serious and hard on ourselves.

Be vulnerable.

When kids learn that it is safe to be themselves (with all their weaknesses and strengths alike) they are able to engage the world without being weighed down by the armor we tend to wear. By armor, I mean the protections we create to avoid feeling shame when things go wrong, like reacting with blame shifting, shutting down, avoidance, lashing out, perfectionism, etc. By modeling vulnerability and teaching our kids that it's safe to do the same, they learn how to accept their complete selves and others wholeheartedly.

Be Authentic

Live with authenticity. We get to share our story with our kids and those "who have earned a right to hear it", as Brown says. Kids need to see our humanity in dealing with feelings of failure and asking for forgiveness, and then in turn they will see the ways God moved in spite of it.

Point to biblical examples.

We also get to point them to all the heroes of the Bible (David the man after God's own heart, Peter the rock upon which the church was built, etc.) whose stories are marred with trouble, yet were used mightily by God.

Ultimately, by allowing our kids to experience failures, we help them grow into fully functioning adults who can make decisions on their own, do bold things for Christ, and empathize with a broken and hurting world around them. I know that the reality of living this out is so hard, especially when you see heartache barreling towards your kids, but letting your kids experience failure on a micro level without swooping in and rescuing them equips them to better handle the bigger and harder things that will eventually come into their lives. Because of the hard work now, they will be prepared to walk through the fire, leaning on Christ, and knowing it isn't the end of their story.

In our weakness God is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9), and that is what our kids and this world needs to see. Not us as 'perfect' Christians, but rather people who frequently struggle, yet have a God that we can cling to and who will redeem even the biggest of failures.

Hold fast; hope is coming.