Sometimes being a headmaster feels like being a paramedic. I often don't see the car crash, but I am quickly on the scene to deal with the trauma. During those times, I have had the privilege of putting my arm around people and trying (and sometimes failing) to make Christ's love and grace evident. Boys are more apt than girls at making big messes—or at least one's that can be seen more clearly by others. So, at these times I am often talking with mom and dads and sons about their problems. There is not a lot of time to do analysis during those heartrending moments. Afterward, however, I try to find time to be reflective and to ponder what I could have said or done differently—or how I could or my teachers could have helped parents see and deal with problems more effectively. During those times, some of the most fruitful reflection is considering how I can help parents see and deal with little things that could help them avoid big problems later.
I am not a poker player (I am not even good that good at UNO), but I have some knowledge of card lingo. In poker, they saw that many players have what is called a "tell". It is some look of the eye, some tap of the finger, some inflection in the voice that gives away what that person has in their hand. Good poker players (ESPN now calls them "professionals") study other player reactions thoroughly and discover their "tells". Your sons have tells as well. These actions or reactions can give you a quick glimpse into their heart and show discerning parents some of the sins that they should be rooting out. I think that the biggest tell for most boys is how they treat their mothers.
Boys typically have problems with their mothers—especially as they grow into adolescence and early manhood. Parents should expect and anticipate this. Mothers (and fathers) have authority over their children. God gives this to them. God also gives their children—both boys and girls natural desires and inclinations. Most boys love to kick balls, run or drive fast, eat until their tummies hurt, and, periodically to run into objects or people to see if they can knock them over. These desire help to prepare boys to become the men that God calls them to be. Boys are eventually going to "leave [home] and cleave [to his wife]". Often, they begin developing a taste for leaving and cleaving long before they are ready to actually get married or leave home. Moms on the other hand struggle with this transition. They remember their sons as infants and toddlers and it is tough to alter their mental picture to fit a growing son. With these differing perspectives it is easy to see how sparks can fly. So, moms have authority, but boys are being prepared to make their own way—bearing authority and responsibility.
As a boy becomes a young man, another factor comes into play. When a boy is young, the mother is the boys physical superior. She can pick him up, discipline him, or grab him and pull him out of harm's way. As boys become men, they become bigger and stronger—usually bigger and stronger than their moms. If a mom has to rely on physical force to discipline a son, she might one day realize that this is no longer possible. This is why a son's treatment of his mother is such a "tell". Mom is different than him. Mom eventually is not as physically strong as him. Mom also still has authority over him. His obedience to her will show his understanding of authority and his willingness to submit to it. His unwillingness to obey his mother will "tell" parents that he does not understand or respect authority. Let's be honest, most of the world is in the place of mom's. Few people on earth (besides policemen and soldiers) are going to discipline a son physically—and most of us want to keep our sons from needing the discipline meted out by the police. If a boy will not obey his mother, the foundation is being laid for him to balk at the authority of everyone else—or everyone else who does not have a gun.
If you have a son who will not listen to or obey his mother, it is critical for the father to get involved. First, dad must be an example of Christ who loved His Bride, the Church, so much that He laid down His life for her. This must be the example that a son sees every day. The son must see that his father loves and respects his mother. Part of this love is protection. This means that if anyone treats his wife badly a good husband must be willing to protect his wife. We would expect this if a burglar entered the house. We should expect no less if a disobedient son showed disrespect for his mother. When a son contemplates showing disrespect for his mother, he should see the loving, but stern shadow of father behind her. If a father is willing to consistently confront his son's disrespect for his mother, so many future problems can be avoided.
What does this disrespect look like? At first, it looks like slow or no obedience when mom speaks. (Note, parents, that this disobedience will often tempt moms to nag or badger their sons. Nagging a young man will inflame the problem rather than fix it.) This is probably happening if when mom gives an order, dad has to chime in to make sure that the son is obedient. It might then turn into eye rolling, and shoulder shrugging. Eventually, it might lead to open defiance, mocking, or worse. Wise fathers will confront and correct this behavior early. Wise mothers will be blest as they stand together with their husband and eventually with their sons as an atmosphere of respect and dignity flourishes in their home.
Mothers need to understand that they should expect obedience from their sons, but they should also desire that their sons grow to be men—strong men. This means that submission is always expected, but that mothers should also help their sons to take leadership and show initiative. Encourage them to take risks. Praise them when they succeed. Praise them when they fail, if they fail well. Be prepared for scrapped knees now. These wounds will lead to future victories.
This process, of course, takes patience and persistence (like the kind that Jesus shows to each of us). I have a friend who has a number of sons (think of the Fischer family in reverse) who are now becoming young men. They are wonderful Christian young men—strong, brave, and industrious gentlemen. I was surprised recently to learn that he had to physically confront a couple of his sons because they were not acting respectfully to their mother. He demanded that his wife be treated with honor and respect. He did this early; and he had to do it only once. The sons learned the lesson (the younger boys learned from their older brothers). These problems should not catch us off guard, nor should they discourage us. If parents are diligent to discipline small examples of disrespect early they can avoid some (not all for every child is different) more serious issues later.
