Growing up today can seem like navigating a minefield. This is particularly true when it comes to self-image. In a world of competing ideas and ideals, children face great challenges when it comes to the way they see themselves. Many voices in our culture shout or whisper false standards—standards that can trap children in destructive patterns. Parents can give few greater gifts than helping their children have a positive self-image. Here are some keys to helping children have a positive and grounded self-image:
Key 1: The Anchor of Parental Praise
Parental love is foundational to a positive self-image. Love that is silent will not register with children. Praise is a language of love. There are two ways that parents fall down in this critical area. Some parents praise too little. Sometimes parents care so much about their child that they can quickly become critical. If they are not careful, they may reduce their relationship with their children to a constant and expanding list of things that the child needs to work on. Parents who create an environment of praise where they look for, recognize, and rejoice in the efforts and accomplishments of their children build a foundation for a positive self-image. They also create an environment where the child is ready to receive advice, criticism, and discipline when needed. The second problem parents can fall into is “praise as a technique.” This happens when a parent praises their children without paying attention to them. They heap on praise, but eventually the child sees that the parent’s praise is not thoughtful, so the praise loses its power.
To be an anchor for your children, you should begin by simply delighting in them and paying attention to them. Watch carefully what they are doing and saying and how they are growing. Pick out strong efforts (even when the child fails) and areas of growth and maturity. Doing this can help you build a strong and healthy relationship with your child, and it can help you to make it through hard times when you give negative or critical feedback.
Key 2: Measuring Achievements Correctly
“Winning isn’t the most important thing. It is the only thing!” Today, children face a world where pressure and failure are part of life at early ages. Children need to be freed from the constant pressure to be perfect. At root our identity is not what we do. Navigating the balance between cheering for your child and causing them to think that your cheering is based on their accomplishment can be tough. Here are some hints. Celebrate victories but set verbal boundaries. It is ok to be proud but never let them think your love is connected to their success; so if your daughter hits the game winning shot, you might say, “I am so proud of you, . . . but you know I would love just as much if you shot an air ball.”
Key 3: Understanding the Power of Peers
Self-image can be greatly affected by friends. Too often—especially in the middle-school years—children can be imprisoned by the way others view them. This can be a challenging time for parents, but it also can be very rewarding. First, set your mind and heart on loving your children even when they are not lovely. You might be talking to your child about unconditional love, but this is where the rubber hits the road. Second, keep your child from being too attentive to any one of his friend’s opinions. Best friends are great, but friendship needs to be healthy and not exclusive. Having many friends and having friends that are very different can help children value others and can protect them from being trapped by one person’s opinion.
Key 4: Viewing Failure as a Blessing
Our culture sees success and failure as black and white. Actually, failures are necessary to achieve success. Parents can help children see this by reacting to failure in counter-intuitive ways. We all blow it. When your children fail—especially in ways that are public or embarrassing—protect in these two important ways: first, initially protect them by letting them grieve privately; second, help them see how valuable failure really is. Nothing teaches more. Nothing helps us reach true and lasting success more than failure. Your words and your actions are critical here. First, don’t hide your failures from your children. When you fail, let them see your disappointment, but also help them to see how you can use failure to prepare for success. Self-image is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. When you talk about your failures, it helps them feel comfortable telling the right story to themselves about their own failures. Failures don’t make you a loser, but avoiding all possibility of failure will make you a failure. Second, when your children fail, encourage them to get back up and try again. If you can help your child work through failure and develop persistence, you will have gone a long way to freeing them from the kind of perfectionistic tendencies that can destroy proper self-image, creativity, inventiveness, and joy!
Key 5: Coming to Grips with Grace
The most foundational idea that roots a positive self-image is grace. Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is given because of love, but this love—this special love—is not based on achievement but on relationship. The Scriptures say this beautifully: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). This love moves us and founds our self-image because it is based on unchanging love rather than on performance. Coming to grips with grace is the most crucial element to free children (and adults) from a wrong self-image.
A positive and grounded self-image is a crucial element of living a good life and experiencing the world and others in ways that build up instead of tear down. Using these 5 keys, parents can help their sons and daughters see themselves and others rightly.
