Parenting can be a very frustrating job. Kids don't come with an instruction manual and even if you study the best books on raising children, you will often find yourself frustrated. (I worry that those books actually amplify the problems at some levels because I feel guilty on top of being frustrated.) Some of the most frustrating times come when your child--that person you love so deeply--really blows it. "Blowing it" can take on many forms. It could mean blowing off an important test. It could mean doing something that is harmful, sinful, or self-destructive.
Too often, I find that parents can get so frustrated with a child during that time that they become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Sometimes parental frustration and the ensuing explosion can actually harm the relationship more than the negative choice made by the child. Here are a few hints about how to manage your relationship with your child when he or she really blows it.
First, breathe and know that every child is going to blow it! Some parents cannot believe that their child has actually done something that he or she shouldn't. The most shocked parents often have children who were very compliant and obedient as young children. Too often these parents believe that someone or something else has caused their child to blow it. Note: most problems do not happen in a vacuum. There is always someone else to blame for a problem that your child has or has not caused. You should make sure that you understand what has happened, but if your child blew it, don't spend too much time trying to obscure that fact. Embrace it. If they did not blow it this time, they will blow it soon. Also, know that blowing it as a child is a great way to avoid blowing it as much as an adult. Childhood is practice for adult maturity. Practice might not make perfect in this case, but it can make someone wise.
Second, know that an explosive emotional reaction always says more than you want it to. Parents who blow up, either at their child or at a friend or teacher, can be sending the message to their child that their love for the child is based on performance (or avoiding blowing it). When this message gets through, the real trouble starts. Giant problems concerning identity rear their ugly head when children wed their identity to winning, succeeding, or avoiding failure. Don't go there as a parent. When you are really frustrated, take just a moment to step outside yourself and think about how others (particularly your child) will experience you at this crucial moment. Be the person God's calling you to be rather than venting your emotions!
Third, there is nothing stronger than dedicated mature love. OK, you might say, I am going to keep my cool, but what about my child's problem? Keeping your cool is only the beginning of your work if you want to be a faithful parent! Now, here comes the hard work. You have to deal with the problem. As you come to talk with your child, make sure that you listen and understand (if they will tell you) why they did what they did. In this discussion and in the discipline that might result from it, there is no stronger tool that you as a parent have than dedicated mature love, love that won't let go and that will guide, direct, and if need be, discipline a child.
Wise parents, at this point, will have to discern why the child blew it. It could be an issue that is omission because of sloth (e.g., not studying for a test because of over confidence!). If so, then more focus on studying is needed (maybe with less time playing, screen time, or watching tv). It could be an issue of moral failure (like lying). Make sure that these issues are corrected with real, verbal, personal repentance. The action of going to someone's home at night to ask forgiveness of them because you lied about him or her is a great curative to help students steer away from the next temptation to bend the truth. It could just be an accident (like an inexperienced driver having a fender bender). If so, encourage them and help them to learn and mature. Help them to know that you are for them when they make immature decisions, not against them. In all these scenarios, they need to know that you won't lose your temper, but that you will also guide them. Love them enough not to let go.
Finally, love means that actions have consequences. Please, please (please!), don't be the parent who tries to keep their child away from the natural consequences that come from bad behavior. When I see parents doing this, I want them to know that their teachers, the Dean of Students, or their child's coach is actually trying to help the child--not harm them. If you save them from the discipline of the teacher, you might be preparing them for the discipline of the police man or the judge. When a child does something that begs for discipline, stand with the people bringing that loving discipline into their lives. Don't undermine it even if the teacher, administrator, or coach is not perfect. No one is. The more important lesson for your child is that when trouble comes--particularly troubles of your own doing--bear up under them with character and submit to the discipline of people trying to help you. Encourage your child to go the extra mile to accept the consequences of their sin without complaint. This attitude of taking responsibility for actions will yield great blessing and will enable them to bear great responsibility (i.e., the ability to take responsibility for the actions of others) in the future.
