Mismanaging Sibling Rivalries (and 3 Ways to Deal Wisely With Them)
If this is the first blog post in this series that are you reading, please consider clicking here and reading the first couple paragraphs of the first post in the series. In this series, I am not attempting to cast the first stone, but instead attempting to help myself and others avoid as much painful window replacement because we live in glass houses!
Every family is dynamic and each family is built on relationships. Over time these relationships change, grow, 
and develop. From the very beginning, we see sibling rivalries being part of family relationships. Cain kills his brother Abel. Jacob was grabbing Esau even as they were born—and Esau was grabbing stew from Jacob and selling his birthright to his brother. Joseph’s brothers fake his death and sell him into slavery. And we are still only in the first book of the Bible!
As parents, we are called on to love our children and to help them grow into the people God is calling them to be. We have to learn to navigate and correct our children so that we can have peace as a family. Here are three ways to deal with sibling rivalries:
Way 1: Be honest, but be completely honest
We have to come to grips with what causes sibling rivalries. Again, I am going to mention Rene Girard (click for an interview with him or read his book I See Satan Fall Like Lightening). He unpacks the concept of mimetic desires. These desires are built into the world and particularly into sibling rivalries. Mimetic desires occur when an object becomes desirable because someone else desires it. Here is an example from our home. I was watching our girls (then very young) playing. A younger one had a toy that an older one wanted, so the older sister took the younger sister’s toy. I stopped the older girl and made her give the toy back. Just then a revelation hit the older girls. She discovered the power of mimetic desire. She picked up a less popular toy and started playing with it joyfully—very joyfully! She did this for a while gaining the attention of her younger sister. Then she summarily dropped this joy-inspiring toy near her younger sister. The younger sister left the first toy (i.e., the one the older daughter really wanted) and went over and picked up the toy that now seemed so special because it “delighted” the older sister so much. That is mimetic desire.
When your children are growing up, they are going to have these sorts of desires. If the first sibling is a great athlete and everyone applauds them for it, don’t be surprised if one of the other children wants to outdo their sibling. This can cause great friction. It can cause the older child to see their sibling as competition for attention and praise. This can lead to cruelty and fighting. It can also lead parents to be dishonest. The truth is that a good 16-year-old basketball player is almost always better than an 8-year-old player. They are not equals and as parents we should not by dishonest. We should, however, be roundly honest by praising and honoring different siblings within the standards that fit each of their maturity levels.
Way 2: Provide a Compelling Vision of Family Success (We all Win When One of Us Wins)
As children get older, engage them in the success of their siblings. Help them see that they are on the same team and that the success of one child is "Our Success!" This is challenging, but if you can get older children to engage their younger siblings and work with him or her on something that is a common passion, it will be a great blessing and it can help siblings build good and lasting friendships.
If an older child helps by coaching or encouraging a younger sibling, make sure that you recognize them when the younger sibling has success. It might be appropriate to do this publically, but it is especially powerful to take praise them privately taking them to the side and saying something like “I want you to know that one of the big reasons for your sibling's success is the investment that you made in his or her life and talent.”
Way 3: Make Sure that Everyone Has a Time to Shine
Everyone needs praise and encouragement. Some children need it more than others, but all of us want relationships and, as such, every child wants those people who love them to see them and to cheer for their accomplishments.
Make sure that each of your children gets time as the center of attention. This is particularly important when one child is really good at some activity that receives public affirmation. Involve, as it is possible, the child who receives ample public applause in encouraging the younger or less applauded child. Again, this is challenging, but you are really helping your “publicly praised child” stay connected to real life when they are encouraged to recognize and value the giftings of their sibling—even when those giftings are not ones that would receive public praise. In life, the ability to say a considerate word or to show thoughtful kindness will almost always be a more beneficial skill than shooting a basketball. In high school, however, one receives praise and the other (the more important gifting) tends to fly under the radar.
Love, then, is the force that roots out sibling rivalry. It prepares us to praise and encourage others. When love inhabits our homes, we can see family unity and joy replace sibling friction and rivalry.
