Playing Favorites (and 5 Steps to Help You Avoid This Mistake)

If this is the first blog post in this series that are you reading, please consider clicking here and reading the first couple paragraphs of the first post in the series. In this series, I am not attempting to cast the first stone, but instead attempting to help myself and others avoid as much painful window replacement because we live in glass houses!

The great books and the Bible are full of stories about families and conflicts. Some of the greatest stories feature some degree of favoritism. Every child desires the love of others. This desire and need for love starts with their parents. Underneath it all is a desire for love of God, but when we are infants and children our parents are the first pictures of God’s love that we experience. Parents sometimes play favorites. Children sometimes feel favoritism even when it is not there. It can become a disease eating at the heart of a child and destroying the relationship between parents and children. Here are five steps to avoid it:

Step 1: See the Problem That It Causes

The first step in avoiding this problem is just seeing it—and seeing it in all of its ugliness. Thinking about what it feels like to long for someone’s love and being rejected by that person is the flavor of favoritism. As parents, we have such an important place in the life and the identity of our children. When a parent loves one child in a way that makes the others feel unloved or less loved, it is a special kind of rejection. Parents who see this sort of ugliness really don’t want to visit it upon their children.

Step 2: Understand the Internal Triggers That Cause the Problem

Often, the triggers of favoritism are actually built on affinity and giftedness. A child who is very much like a parent can trigger special closeness. This can lead to favoritism particularly when some other child is very different. Maybe a parent really values academic excellence. The child who is academically gifted might end up being or feeling more favored than the child who struggles. It can happen with athletics or artistic skills as well. A child with a special level of skill or giftedness can also end up being a favorite because they are a special source of pride for their parents.

Step 3: Communicate and Keep Communicating

When you think you might have a problem in this area, have a discussion with your spouse, pastor, or a friend who would know your family well. Ask them what they see in you and in your family dynamics. Also, ask them to watch out for you and hold you accountable for your future actions. The key is having an ongoing discussion that keeps on calling you back to balance and away from favoritism.

Step 4: Discipline Yourself to See the Wonder of Each Child

Each child receives giftings from God. Some of those gifts might be easy to see, especially if an aptitude receives applause or high marks on report cards. Your job as a parent is to see and love the giftings in all of your children. Doing this takes some time, some careful observation, and maybe even advice from friends and teachers. Even if your child has a lot of struggles, make a concerted effort to see what they do well and what they are particularly gifted to do. See the glory that God has built into him or her because each child bears the image of God. Talk with a teacher and see if he or she can help you see the special gifting of your child.

Step 5: Become a Thoughtful Public and Private Praiser

When you see the strengths of a child, let him or her know that you see it and praise that child for it. Just as with their giftings, you need to learn the language of praise for each of your children. Some need public adulation. If so, find ways to tell others about the special things that they do. Others (really, all children) need your private words. They need to know that you see them and that you value what they are doing. Make sure that you don’t fake it, but even if your heart is not bubbling over, be disciplined. Your praise should move the heart of your child and it should be the backdrop of their growth and maturity.

Our next post in this series will take us into a discussion of how to truly, biblically love our children, rather than "love" them as our culture would encourage us.