Part 1: Measuring All Children by the Virtues of the First Born

Having served now as Head of School for 20 years, I have seen my share of heartaches and relational car crashes. I have seen things that set children against their parents. As I reflect on these issues, many of them are preventable, so I wanted to write a series of parenting articles that would help you to avoid some of the more heart-breaking and relationship-harming practices that I have seen over the years.

Before I jump in, a few caveats are in order. By pointing out some of these problems, I am not counting myself as someone who does not struggle with these very things. I have scars to prove that I do! Also, I want to come at this with both gentleness and severity. Gentleness and severity are needed because I often find that the best advice is applied most thoroughly by the people that need it least and ignored by the people speeding in their car toward the tree. Finally, I am not thinking of any family in particular at any point. I have seen multiple examples of each of these characteristics. All families do this! So if my shoe fits, think about wearing it - but know that I am not trying to kick any particular family with any particular shoe.

So, with that introduction lets look at the first way you can "Sabotage Your Child’s Growth and Maturity:" by measuring all children by the virtues of the firstborn.

Birth order is powerful. We see this in the Bible. It is striking that the norm (first-born leadership) is often varied at critical times—consider of Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, or Ephraim and Manasseh. Birth order is not just for the Old Testament, however. Some of the most powerful books on birth order in recent decades have come from Dr. Kevin Leman. I had the privilege of meeting him at college (his daughter attended my alma mater, Grove City College) and his books are revelatory. Often times, firstborn children are hard working, rule following parent pleasers, and in a really weird way this is the beginning of the problem.

Families are naturally fooled into thinking that the first child is normative, but he or she is not…they are just first. Let me give you an example of this from our family. Our first daughter slept through the night at the hospital the day she was born. No kidding! When we brought our second daughter home, I was convinced that something was broken and that we needed to take her back. This happens to young families at so many points. The first child blazes a trial and parents expect the younger ones to follow that path. This, however, is not normal. It is just your one, first data point.

It is easy to subtly communicate to subsequent children that they just don’t measure up. Non-first borns often feel behind because, especially when they are young, they are not as fast, as strong, or as smart as their older sibling. This is compounded when parents start making the subtle comparisons in academic arenas: “Jenny never struggled with math,” “Why can’t you read like Sally?” or “Jimmy always made the honor roll.” If parents could see how those words cut into their children, they would try to grab them in mid-air and swallow them again. These words are like pouring acid into the heart of you child.

Sometimes parents think that these little signs of disappointment will cause the young child to change and become like the older one, but don't bet on it. A great philosopher/sociologist pointed out that the world does not work this way. His name was Rene Girard (click for an interview with him or read his book I See Satan Fall Like Lightening). Parents breed conflict and animosity between siblings when they hold up one as the standard in all things for the other.

This is even worse when boys follow girls. Boys are (at times) a mess. Girls sin too. In fact, “girl sins” are often messier than their brothers’ failings, but boys do their wrongs in open, public, embarrassing ways. Girls hide it. Boys stretch our faith because they can be a public mess. The better a firstborn girl does academically, the tougher it is for her younger brother. Boys tend to start slower. Often, they can be so discouraged early that it is hard for them to grow and thrive. They feel the weight of their parents’ disappointment.

So, what is the antidote? The cure is personalized love. We, as parents, have to turn our attention to the particular virtues and giftings that God gives to each particular child. Encourage what is good. Love each child for who they are—not for what they are not. This love is not without discipline. Love requires discipline. The standards of the discipline must be biblical and moral. They must never be based on the performance or personality or giftings of a sibling. Using the firstborn as a standard is harmful to the other children and more than the firstborn can bear. (When first-borns do struggle, they might feel like utter failures if their parents have based morality on their behavior.)

So, what next? First, if you are struggling with this, talk with your spouse and hold each other accountable. Repent when you need to repent, and remember the great rule of repentance: private sins should be confessed privately and public ones should be confessed publicly. So, when in frustration you say, “Billy, I can’t believe you did that; why can’t you be more like you sister.” You need to stop, gather everyone who heard you, and say, “Billy, what I said was wrong. I don’t want you to be your sister or anything else besides the Billy that God is calling you to be. Will you please forgive me?” That might sound weak, but the parent who repents has never been stronger.

Stay tuned tomorrow as we dive into Part 2 of this series on ways parents can sabotage their children's growth: Keeping Children From the Consequences of Their Actions.