Treating Children Like Adults and Teens Like Children

Before you read this post post, it might be good to look back at the caveats in the first article in this series (read it here). In this series, I may be giving some very straightforward advice, but know that the advice is not only for you, but it is also for me too!

This is one of those issues where the log has two sides and people figure out a way to fall off one or the other side—or both. I am going examine each side of the log one at a time. First, let me define my terms. The first part of the problem, treating children like adults, mainly happens with children that are in 8^th grade or younger. The other side of the problem, treating teens like young children, happens with 9^th graders or above. Now, that line is a generalized line. Each child actually crosses the line as they mature—i.e., on their own time frame. This does not mean, however, that the line is arbitrary or completely flexible. Consider your child's stage of development. If you are a parent and you think that your child is a mature adult even though they are 8 years old, you need to think again.

The first of today's two unwitting sabotage moves that parents sometimes make happens with young children. It happens when parents start relating to their child as if the child was an adult. Here are some of the symptoms that this might be happening to you:

• You find yourself asking a young child important life questions that he or she actually needs you to answer for them.

• You find yourself following the advice of young children and then subtly blaming them when things don’t work out well.

• You find adult behavior (especially things like sarcasm) of your child endearing, but people around you keep having looks of shock or concern when your child says or does something that is rude.

• You tolerate disrespect from your child in your home or toward your spouse.

• When you have to discipline, you have to do it with volume.

How does this problem get started? It gets started when people try to move parenting into the “friend” zone. This results in conversations and actions that allow the young child to have input that they are not ready to give. In the worst cases, the child is the functional decision maker in the relationship. This often ends with a child that is very anxious and discontent (note, there are other things that can make a child anxious or discontent) because he is swimming in water too deep for him.

This is a difficult problem to correct, but if you don’t it can really harm and limit your child. Children who don’t get this right tend to struggle with relationships with adults or employers. They are disrespectful, but they don’t see their disrespect. Others, however, will see it and will avoid them, fire them, or pass them over.

This seems to be especially tough for single parents. To avoid this, single parents need to make sure that their friendship needs are met, so that the young child is not being asked to be what they are not really able to be. Single parents need to have a few trusted friends to hold you accountable in this area.

Treating young children like adults harms the future of the child. The other side of the problem, treating teens like young children, harms your relationship with them in the present. Here are some of the symptoms that this is happening to you:

• You end up in consistent, angry conflicts with teens over smaller items.

• You find your teen hiding more important parts of their life from you.

• You find that your teen can’t wait to leave home so that they can live in ways that are radically at odds with the deepest values of your home.

This part is tough because parenting is not a singular task; it is a process with an end goal: helping your child attain faithful adulthood. People who struggle with this might have done a great job with younger children, but this success causes them to become “one trick parent ponies”. They are successful with young children, but they don't adjust to using the tools of listening, influencing, encouraging, and guiding children instead of simply giving them rules and teaching them to be obedient.

A quick help in this comes from an unlikely source. Tedd Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a real favorite for parents of young children and it is a good book for parents with toddlers and youngsters. It’s teaching on parenting teens, however, is possibly the best in the book. It seemed scandalous to me as a young parent, yet it is so true.

Beware! Your navigation of this process reveals your real belief and unmasks any hypocrisy. If you are like me, you have about 10,000 things you want for your children. Navigating the teen years helps you (and your teen) discover which of those 10,000 things are the five that really matter. Teens still need guidance and instruction, but the world needs to stop and you need to say “never, never, no not ever” only to the things that are most important.

What should you do if you are struggling with either side of this log—or both? When you find yourself on the wrong path walking the wrong direction, you need to change directions; in the Bible, they call this repentance. Start by communicating with your spouse or with some friend that can hold you accountable to change. Second, talk with your children and repent. Help them understand what you (not they) are doing wrong and give them a vision for where your family is going. Then, be faithful to move in that direction. Know that the reaction of your child will be very different on depending on what side of the log you are falling off of. For young children who are going to have to stop acting like adults, expect initial vigorous push back. Hold your ground! For teens who you are committing to treat more like adults your might find either disbelief or excitement. Both reactions are searching for one thing: follow through.

For young children, be prepared for the push back and have a plan. Consider particular privileges that you can remove if they rebel and discipline that you can apply. Don’t get angry! Be settled and be calm. Beware that they might be look for public places in which to throw a fit when you call them to obedience. This can be very embarrassing. Again, don’t lose your cool. Take the child out of the public eye. Leave the event if you need to. Take them to another part of the house or take them home from the store. Often, the fewer eyes that are watching the lower the emotional level will be for both of you. Don’t, however, over the long run ever lose ground. If you revert to letting them control you, the harder it will be for you to help them find contentment and peace—the peace of simply being a child and relying on your parents for guidance and instructions.

For teens, make sure that you are including them in decisions and advising more than commanding. Your tool is relationship and influence. Eventually, as a Nobel laureate once said, “your sons and your daughters are beyond your command.” The way to move things forward is to invest in relationships. Spend time with them doing anything except talking about these issues. Fill up the relationship gas tank so that you can have some energy and trust for the meaningful discussions that are coming. When you have to talk about an issue, make sure that they explain why they think what they think. It might end up being very different from what you think. Ask them probing questions to help you understand them. Listen. Be patient. As you invest in this direction, you will find that you have the influence to help them move forward.