As your child gets older, he or she might hear the drums beating. Life is coming; big decisions are ahead! The pressure starts building. This sort of pressure can put real stress on a child, on parents, and on relationships. Over the years, I have seen families navigate college and career choices effectively and poorly. Here are three keys to helping your child make these big decisions well.

First, embrace the adventure; avoid the "test paradigm". Remember that big decisions are big opportunities. Even though things might feel bad (or tense or uncertain), they are good. Work to help your child see the decision as a positive adventure, rather than a test. Tests are pass/fail and for each question there is typically only one right answer. Students, trained as they are in test taking, tend to look at big decisions through that paradigm. They go on the quest for the one perfect answer and tension builds because there are usually many different excellent choices. How can you ever know if you are making the one PERFECT choice! Won't life be ruined if I don't choose the one PERFECT choice! The paradigm of the test is the wrong one for big decisions (especially in our day). Try to help them look at the next step and the big decisions as an adventure rather than a test. Adventures have challenges. They involve changes. Adventurers expect problems and overcome mistakes. Adventures make us better, fuller people!

Second, don't avoid conversations and experiences. Times of big choices are times to think through values and to clarify priorities. When considering a college or career, it is a great time to talk about what values are important to you as parents and to your family. Note, however, that God has made your child with particular gifts and talents that might be hard for you to value or even understand. You might be an electrical engineer and your son might be a gifted artist. These different gift sets might have different outlooks on the world. If your child is gifted in a manner that is different than your talents, take time to understand them. Listening to your child might be a critical first step, towards the child listening to your advice. Also, encourage them to have experiences. Visiting particular colleges and talking to particular professors might open up your child to see a path forward. Shadowing someone in a particular line of work or interning for a business can also help you find a passion--or it can help you understand that something is the wrong fit! (Both insights are extremely valuable!)

Third, (and this one is crucial for parents) remember that these decisions are about what is best for your child--not what you wish was best for your child or what you would really like him (or her) to do or be. This is the biggest mistake I see parents make. They decide what is good for their child without actually seeing or understanding their child. They might pressure their child into a school, a major, or a career that is not a good fit for the child. They can end up rupturing their relationship with their child. This can happen in subtle ways, so be careful how you talk about certain careers, majors, or choices. Note, this does not mean that you should stop being a parent. If your child is interested in a major that has little hope of enabling them to provide for him or herself or for their family your advice will be of great value. As a parent, you need to ask hard questions like: How are you going to avoid college debt if your prospects for a lucrative career are minimal? Should you consider an additional major if your chosen major does not normally end in a career? As a parent, these are real concerns! Don't let your child make choices that harm their future massively. Help your child think through issues, but try to see your child's real gifts and abilities. See your child for what they are rather than what you would like them to be.

Big choices can be daunting. But if you embrace the adventure, enjoy the experiences, and encourage your child's real gift and talents (rather than the ones you would like them to have), you can help him (or her) make great decisions.