A recent survey found that the average teen sends almost 2,000 text messages a month. Technology can connect us with friends and families. It can help us become more efficient. Within limits and with balance, technology can be a great blessing. Parents have to guide their children’s use of technology, but sometimes this feels like pushing water uphill. Without limits (and teens are often not great at setting limits) technology can make life scattered and can cut children off from the people right in front of them.
Parents sometimes find themselves in an open battle with tech savvy children when they try to impose limits on their children’s use of technology. Let’s start with a bedrock principle: parents must set limits in multiple areas to protect their children and their family life. The challenge is great but so is the reward. If your children can become adults that effectively use technology as a tool (not be overwhelmed by it), they will be distinctively prepared for a life of usefulness and joy. Here are some limits that might help you manage technology in your family:
Limit 1: “But everybody has one!”
The first issue most parents face is the question of when they should allow their child to use technological devices. Too often parents give way to children who simply assert (often with little proof) that everyone in their class (or in the Universe) has certain technology. Let your children have technology when they need it and when they are mature enough to handle it—not before. Often a smartphone is a great blessing for a high-school student who might have afterschool employment or sports practice. It is not a necessity for a 4th grader in most circumstances. Also, you should communicate with other parents and hold the line together. There is strength in numbers. Often—very often—“But everybody has one!” is just a tactic bright kids use to make their parents feel guilty.
Limit 2: Days and Times
Technology should be made to fit into a balanced life. That means at times it needs to be turned off. You should protect spaces and times that are important for family life, like dinner. Family dinner is one of most important times to build relationships. Turn off the technology at dinner and work on talking. Often technology is a conduit for entertainment and game playing. Again, entertainment time needs to fit into a balanced life. It is not bad. Cotton candy is not bad, but if it were all that you ate, it would quickly ruin your health. In our family weekdays and weeknights are normally not for entertainment. The weekend can be a time to rest and to have a little entertainment. No hard and fast rule can be given here but remember the core principle: if technology is harming family life, it needs to diminish.
Limit 3: Earning Time on Technology
We all want our kids to grow into maturity and wisdom. The blessings and freedom that we give to our children need to be part of a faithful and balanced life. If a freedom is being used in an inappropriate or unbalanced manner, it should go away for a time. It can be appropriate—especially for younger teens and children—to make them earn their time with technology by doing their chores, behaving well at school and home, and getting their homework done without complaining. This will help them understand that a faithful life is a life of blessing and freedom. Older students should have more freedom, but if their use is harming them or damaging family life, their use must be curtailed.
Limit 4: Openness and Accountability
Part of having freedom is earning trust. The way we earn trust is by being accountable. Before you allow your child to use any sort of device that connects to the Internet, you need to establish simple ground rules to keep them safe. For example, you should help them understand that anything they say or post on Facebook can follow them for a long time (theoretically forever). The Internet is not a private place and is not a place where normal morality and civility should disappear. If your child uses technology inappropriately, they are demonstrating they are not ready to have that level of freedom. Also, children need to understand that the Internet is a place where some really bad people hang out. Check up on and talk with your children about where they are online and what they are doing. Even tech savvy children are just children. They are naïve. They need your protection.
Limit 5: Bedrooms are for Sleeping
Finally, don’t let your child take their technology to bed. Let the bedroom be for sleeping. Our kids charge their devices at night in the living room. Teenagers really like communicating with their friends; often, they like it better than sleep. They need sleep! Keep technology out of the bedroom.
The Big Idea: Limit Your Own Use
Limiting kids’ uses of technology can make your family life more enjoyable, and it can help your children live a more joyous, centered, and full life. This will work best, however, if you do one more thing: limit your own use of technology. Protect your family life from your overuse of technology. The rules might not be exactly the same (I go to bed every night listening to audio books!), but the core principle is the same: technology is a tool that we use to make life better. If any technology (or any thing) is harming your family life, it needs to be put in its place, so you can enjoy life and each other more fully.
(The study mentioned in the first paragraph is from the Pew Research Center and at the time of this blog posting, could be viewed at http://www.pewinternet.org/Reports/2012/Teens-and-smartphones.aspx).
